i have not been sleeping

i’m not sure what to title this. it’s 2am. it will be a long project. but the idea is to write about the music i’m listening to.

i have 106 tracks on my music app. they are all great.

rivage, les gordon

it’s hot. my sister and i share a bed and even tho i’m plastered to the wall her body heat is ridiculous.

think about it, american authors

oh, what a life is american authors’ debut album as far as i know. it came out in 2014 and i heard it on spotify and the cover art is gorgeous. during a levels i had a time when i listened exclusively to one album and then changed it to another. this album was one of those. and even now listening to him tell me not to “overthink about it” i am hit with nostalgic pain and regret that coloured my experience listening to this album so deeply.

it’s been hard trying to find the best of it i’m always hung up on the risk

iceland, petit biscuit

petit biscuit is a fairly new artist whose music is the perfect sort of artsy tumblr deadness that has that numbing broad appeal. what’s interesting about petit biscuit and what i didn’t know about him when i fell in love with his music is that firstly he is a year younger than me and most interestingly he is half moroccan.

that is to say his father the moroccan married his mother the french woman. it’s funny how saying “the moroccan” sounds okay but saying “the french” doesn’t. i wonder how much of it has to do with syntax.

i’m really excited about working w books my whole life. mark manson said something like aspiring not towards arbitrary goals but goals you’ll always have to keep working on like working w books my whole life or maintaining good relationships w my loved ones in the subtle art of not giving a f*ck.

the funny thing is that i can’t remember if the fuck in the title was censored or not.

iceland is a song i didn’t know. i know petit biscuit’s 2015 tracks but this one slipped away from me.

immigrants (we get the job done), k’naan + residente + riz ahmed + snow the product

riz ahmed looks fragile and effeminate in boys. my sister was surprised when i told her charli xcx was from east london (this place has a booming music scene i know very little about) but to me it’s so obvious.

the hamilton mixtape was another one of those albums i listened to exclusively for a few weeks.

blood of my ancestors had all that built […]

look how far i come hindustan pakistan here i come

i want to learn and delve into as many languages and cultures and histories as i can and celebrate the strange fact that although i have a position here in this world that is so specific i’m from everywhere and everything. i can and do and will take joy in that. and be saddened by that.

all, THEY.

ah. this was my perfect album. i thought emeli sande was the one for me (long live the angels!) but this takes the lead by far. i think all is the second song but not sure.

why do i love this album? honestly it’s their voices. god. i came across the seductive quality of their voices in working for it a great single in genesis series an album by zhu. i knew zhu through odesza’s remix of faded which i listened to sometime in 2013 i think. and working for it was so gorgeous and hot.

back it up, THEY.

this is earthy. somehow rock music and rnb and soul and god knows what else. this particular song is sexy. but THEY. make me feel fierce. like i have epic winged eyeliner on. like i can take on the world. like i’m badass.

the entire album, nü religion: hyena, is wild and spilling over the edges and sweet and dark and rough and existential. it’s on the edge of something i don’t know what but i love being on the edge with them.

sometimes all i want to do is sit down and talk with them for an hour or two. ask them all the questions. why this album? why like this? why so good?

but most of all i want to hear their voices all the time.

hymn for the weekend, coldplay.

chris martin is the name of the lead singer of coldplay. despite doing an essay on one of their live perfomances and getting the highest grade for it in year 8 i didn’t recognise the name chris martin (i thought it was the news guy from bbc radio 1) until he came up on carpool karaoke.

you probably don’t know this and this may seem to be coming from nowhere but i’m not really comfortable around guys. okay i’m not comfortable around most women too (and/or children – i’m not whatever you call a human-hater i just have a lot of internal sift through first) but chris martin is a guy i don’t know but who makes me feel safe.

i don’t think there’s a person in the world who evokes such an easy and immediate feeling of safety as chris martin in carpool karaoke. (and why does his face look like a fish’s to me?)

trouble, american authors.

oh we had so much more.

sometimes, actually all the time american authors is fun.

we’ll stay inside and never let out our heads. and we’ll pretend that the world it will never end. no it will never end.

why don’t you come back down so we can turn it around why don’t you ever know just to let it go cos nothing comes around for you so bring me back from one to two and tell me what else i can do

the reason i binge listened to this album was because i needed the motivation or i liked the feeling of hope and motivation and having a heroic story to tell once i beat this whatever the hell this is. i haven’t beaten it.

truth be told, THEY.

you know you know don’t say that i didn’t warn ya you should let go put it all out in the open

i listened to this to and from school.

one of them, i think it’s dante his voice is so cute and soulful but higher than average. and it sounds worthy of tears.

you don’t matter no more you don’t matter no more tell em tell em why why tell em tell em why why why

listening to this brings back memories of gazing out of the windows and thinking of nothing except for the trees and the houses and the roads and the businesses on the way home.

demons, imagine dragons

my sister loves them. she loves this song. i used to, too.

i wanna hide the truth i wanna shelter you but with the beast inside there’s nowhere we can hide

i used to love this because i wanted so badly to say this to whoever i loved

don’t get too close it’s dark inside it’s where my demons hide it’s where my demons hide

most of my adolescence was spent secretly hating myself and doing everything in my power to protect my loved ones from everything inside me that was scaring me.

how emo is that.

i can’t escape this now unless you show me how

it’s funny. only now do i get how it’s a cry for help.

i bet my life, imagine dragons.

i forgot i loved this song to bits. the version i’m listening to is live and has that guitar twang that’s the best thing ever.

SO I

I BET MY LIFE

I BET MY LIFE

I BET MY LIFE ON YOU

i have a crush on someone. the last time i had a crush on someone was a couple of years ago on a fictional and possibly super gay character called yogi. he was a fun but sad and talented killer who worked for a “good” secret organisation and has untapped super powers and an evil alter ego and is only the third main character in the anime karneval.

full moon, petit biscuit

i have a crush on someone and it’s the second time i’m experiencing the feeling of deep love and this time it’s slower. perhaps because she’s real and i’m only just getting to know her. and it’s kind of creepy she doesn’t know who i am (yet) and a little weird that she’s probably ten to twelve years older than me. i’m slowly falling for who i know her to be from what she creates on her blog.

this is such a weird way to come out as queer. but probably not the weirdest.

i intend to speak to her. but it’s not even been a week. and i want to t as everything she’s written. and i need to figure out how to say hello.

it was sad when i admitted this crush to my sister and told her that i don’t know if this woman would ever love me back.

but i found out a few posts ago that she was amazingly queer. not like that will make much difference considering our age gap/life gap

this is a little creepy yes but i have always considered crushes to be creepy and ill need an outside opinion to reassure me that this is what a crush is you fool.

luck, american authors

i am my own man i make my own luck

whenever i listened to this i wanted to say this to my parents. and to whoever gave a damn about me. but mostly to my parents.

gonna pick myself up so i won’t let december grow.

it’s hard to stay it’s hard to stay cos some birds aren’t meant to be caged

how can i set us free on what you taught us to be shouldn’t that be enough

it’s time that we make amends let’s forget the things we said you know we were all just stuck

i’m sorry mother i know i let you down i’m sorry father i didn’t stick around please just listen cos i don’t ask for much

i am my own man and i make my own luck

during the binge listening i learnt that the american authors are made up of a group of guys who dropped out of this prestigious music school and moved cities in hopes of making music they loved. the idea that i could move away from what was perceived of me and the cage i had created with my peers for myself was a form of hope i yearned for.

summer’s gone, odesza.

this is an entire album. recently i listened to this with my siblings and my brother asked me why i listened to such sad music. today my sister asked me who my facourite artist was (this one) and what my favourite song was: the one i am listening to now how did i get here.

i don’t find them sad. i find their music fills me with wonder. it speaks of the very reasons why life sometimes seems worth living.

i can always listen to odesza. i have listened to them since 2012/3 and i have not grown sick of them yet. IPlayYouListen is towards the end of this album and there is also a live version somewhere and that song with its drums keeps me alive when the going gets incredibly tough and i slip into a numbness made out of the harsh white noise of my overbearing emotions.

with my therapist i always said things with a filter in mind. bless h shesand good at her job. but there was a lot i didn’t say as openly as i do in my head because i knew what she would ask me and they would be obvious responses (“why are you scared of your emotions?”) and i wouldn’t want to confront them even though that’s the whole goddamn point. the few times i was successful at talking about shit with her it paid off.

i’m switching songs now.

midnight (kygo remix), coldplay.

this song is in another language. sounds like it at least.

the original midnight is from ghost stories.

i’m switching songs now.

oceans, petit biscuit

his real name is mehdi. a french/moroccan spelling. my cousin is called mahdi. we were taught from a young age that the end of the world would be near when this guy called mahdi would do something significant and good but i’ve forgotten what that is.

he’s going to save the world.

working for it, zhu + skrillex + THEY.

their voices are richness. and then the french woman. and the bass and beat.

hurts like heaven, coldplay.

the reason this one is so brief is because i was reading over what i wrote already. i wrote a lot. hurts like heaven is a great video that coldplay drew up and had animated.

i think you think too much of me, EDEN

i don’t want it back i’m laying down my cards cos you said it meant nothing that i should have kept my silence

i had to pause the song this is exactly how i’m feeling re crush:

hold on i think i’m catching feelings and i don’t know if this is empathy i feel just hold on

this is exciting. i’m usually incredibly aromantic.

this particular album (his first) deals with a lot more mental shit then sappy stuff.

i can sing this album off by heart i love it that much. the dog i most relate to is and.

this is just another sad song

i can’t deny that i’ve been needing one and that the world is always at fault and we did nothing how did we do wrong and i’ve thinking that when we thought that the world would break us that we weren’t wrong but it’s just never been the world outside and sounder kinda has me terrified and i’m so sorry i can’t find the time spend all my days over preoccupied and i’ve been thinking about how i’d react if you were me and i was ghosted out and i know i should try more but i’ve been so caught up in my own small shit that i can’t see past the nothing around me yeah but i’ve been trying really fucking hard not to try so hard really fucking hard to just let go really fucking hard not to try so hard and realise we’ve nowhere left to go

agust d, suga

if only not for the painful chorus of “a to the g to the u to the STD!” i would have loved the title track but south korean rapper and BTS member cutie min suga’s mixtape brought me to tears. he often does that. suga’s mixtape has the classic old hip hop style.

he really did take me to hong kong with his tongue technology. he’s an excellent rapper.

and mostly he brought me to tears because of the curve this album goes on. the climax for me is with the song The Last where he crescendoed everything about his hardships and his depression and moving from home without his parents blessings to pursue a career in kpop and reassured everyone that he’s okay now he’s come out on top mentally and with his chasing sa

i really see why hip hop appeals to him so much it’s not stroking the ego it’s a brazen defying act of self-love the GREATEST middle finger of them all!

say when, THEY.

this that shit that malcolm’s on all my niggas got armour on so go and act like it’s not ur fault claim that you keeping us safe how can i trust what you say please get the fuck out my face who do you think that you playing with?!

politically charged THEY. is my aesthetic.

do your thing don’t shoot us down we’re down to die down to die you know we’re down to shoot all you gotta do is say when baby skip the conversation

but for me being neutral was never an option

don’t shoot down my brothers and let them fall and then we some thugs if we get involved fuck you and your system you’re killing my niggas and you think we about to just let you off?!

i really really love them.

on top of the world, imagine dragons

i’ve been writing this story for a while. i talked about it on the blog too. it’s about a group of people who form together to save one of the team member’s fiancé from the top of a mountain. i imagine this to be a victory song for them. it’s a ridiculous story full of weird humour that i don’t entirely understand myself. the difficulty with writing humour has been making my characters have depth even when i only think of them.

skool luv affair, bts

i fell asleep. when i first started to listen to bts this was the new album they hadout. i liked the song just one day the most because it was so different to what i was used to listening to by them but certainly within the parameters of “bangtan style”. bts, bangtan sonyeondan, bulletproof boy scouts, and recently beyond the scene, are a south korean band of seven members ranging from the ages of 19 to 25. what sets them apart from other big kpop bands is firstly their music which is wonderfully produced, secondly the deep meaning behind their lyrics, and thirdly the elaborate concept behind what they create and how it all merges together into one big story.

night trouble, petit biscuit

i wish i could sleep forever. and i don’t mean the big sleep i just want to be asleep. forever sometimes waking up and slipping into that half-dream state then falling asleep again forever.

end credits, eden

the thing about eden is that he makes me cry. but only in my mind. i want to sleep forever and listen to eden. listen to this album. you see eden used to be known as the eden project. and as the eden project he had made a name for himself on the electronic scene. that’s how i knew him first.

i know all the lyrics to this album too.

life in technicolour ii, coldplay

this is an automatic road trip song.

baby it’s a violent world oh love don’t let me go won’t you take me where the street lights go i can hear it coming i can hear the siren sounds now my feet won’t touch the ground

prospekt’s march.

palms, petit biscuit

i still don’t understand why it’s called tropical house. is it because one of his songs is called palms?

mark manson said that relationships built upon honesty and trust are worth it. that is to say it’s better to have a painful but honest relationship rather than one where everyone lies to each other about themselves in order to keep the other sane. are you afraid of your mother? for her? because who you are is someone she can never know? or better yet so you think that she has no right to know who you truly are. that you will play the good daughter until you leave this hellhole. or better yet you are one person with her and another with everybody else.

memories, petit biscuit

the sun is shining on my face and my eyes are tired.

shiho & kyoko, les gordon

les gordon (french) is signed to record company kitsune (japanese).

you, petit biscuit

this was my favourite song.

grège, les gordon

i prefer listening to a genre of music known as indietronica which means i like listening to music mostly composed of synthetics. that’s to say i like music made with physical instruments and the voice but which are put together in a way which only machines can do.

every teardrop is a waterfall, coldplay

this is another song fit for a road trip.

this is interesting. my friend knows how to ride a horse.

ghost stories, coldplay

this album is my favourite only because every single song here is one ill treasure. i’m supposed to be tidying up.

i haven’t slept

oceans, petit biscuit

keep again. some neighbours came over. we went over to another’s to see a newborn baby. the mum is so in love with her two kids it’s incredible. her face lights up with love.

who we are, imagine dragons

the drums on this.

midnight sky, petit biscuit

when i have my own place i’ll take walks in the middle of the night listening to this song. i also want eye contacts. my cheeks may look even more swollen as a result, but i no longer like the feeling of the glasses on my nose and covering my eyes.

best day of my life, american authors

wow it seems as though such positive happiness can last for 24 hours.

just don’t wake me now

i like everything with this look except for how quotes appear.

wait for it, usher

the hamilton mixtape

love don’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints and it takes and i takes and it takes and we keep loving anyway we laugh and we cry and we break and we make our mistakes there’s a reason i’m by her side so many have tried i’m willing to wait for it then i’m willing to wait for it

and there’s more:

death don’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints it takes and it takes and i takes and it takes yeah we keep living anyway we rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes if there’s a reason i’m still alive everyone else who loves me has died im willing to wait for it i’m willingn to wait for it

and the best one ever:

life don’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints yeah we take and we take and we keep living anyway we rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes yeah but i know there’s a reason why i’m alive so many have died and i’m still waiting for it i’m willing to wait for it

made, BIGBANG

THEY WERE MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF KPOP.

work song, hozier

i am stopping this now. its time to go

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